Sauro Motel Blog

 

A GUIDE TO PRE-1985 COFFEE VENDING MACHINES

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

(Feel free to use the “disperses faster than Saddam Fedayeen” line at a cocktail party)

POSITIVE PLEASURES NEGATIVE NOCKS
   
It’s cheap (35¢ or less) Can be watery
Extra cream and extra sugar buttons allow for a wide range of tastes Could lead to accidental sucrose overdose
It’s piping hot – not waiting to take that first sip will make you feel like the last real man Too hot for razor thin cup – you might burn your finger unless you have been schooled in the use of the user-unfriendly, fold-out cardboard holder (aka “The Fingerler”)
Sometimes comes in playing card- decorated cups. Grab a friend and enjoy a high-stakes hand of poker (5th card is on bottom of cup) Can cause degenerate gamblers and folks with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder to linger at vendomats while their families worry
Spider webs in machine occasionally dissolve into the coffee, giving the drip an exotic flavor Sometimes, the spider webs don’t fully dissolve – can turn a relaxing cup into an unsettling culinary adventure suitable only for Tony Bourdain
Add chicken soup from the same machine and you’ve got a nice meal for under 70¢ Machine malfunction may mix soup and coffee in same cup, creating a caffeine-laced poultry juice not fit for man nor beast
Women beware: coffee acts as an aphrodisiac for European “players” Causes bad breath in American posers
Wikipedia aficionados can pretend upscale machines with frosted plexi-glass beverage door are food replicators from Star Trek Coffee sometimes dispenses before cup drops – often leads to the irrational conclusion that you are indeed a total loser
Coffee disperses even faster than Saddam Fedayeen Machine with missing beverage door could hit you with embarrassing crotch-spray
Vendomat camaraderie: microwave some popcorn and befriend a fellow coffee drinker at the courthouse, hospital or jail If in jailhouse setting, avoid misunderstanding with your new Slingblade-like friend; he could give new meaning to the phrase “one lump or two”
Under any circumstances, tastes better than the Chinese guy’s coffee on Barney Miller