Always wondered where to get day old coffee?
| POSITIVE PLEASURES | NEGATIVE NOCKS |
| It’s cheap (35¢ or less) | Can be watery |
| Extra cream and extra sugar buttons allow for a wide range of tastes | Could lead to accidental sucrose overdose |
| It’s piping hot – not waiting to take that first sip will make you feel like the last real man | Too hot for razor thin cup – you might burn your finger unless you have been schooled in the use of the user-unfriendly, fold-out cardboard holder (aka "The Fingerler") |
| Sometimes comes in playing card- decorated cups. Grab a friend and enjoy a high-stakes hand of poker (5th card is on bottom of cup) | Can cause degenerate gamblers and folks with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder to linger at vendomats while their families worry |
| Spider webs in machine occasionally dissolve into the coffee, giving the drip an exotic flavor | Sometimes, the spider webs don’t fully dissolve – can turn a relaxing cup into an unsettling culinary adventure suitable only for Tony Bourdain |
| Add chicken soup from the same machine and you’ve got a nice meal for under 70¢ | Machine malfunction may mix soup and coffee in same cup, creating a caffeine-laced poultry juice not fit for man nor beast |
| Women beware: coffee acts as an aphrodisiac for European "players" | Causes bad breath in American posers |
| Wikipedia aficionados can pretend upscale machines with frosted plexi-glass beverage door are food replicators from Star Trek | Coffee sometimes dispenses before cup drops – often leads to the irrational conclusion that you are indeed a total loser |
| Coffee disperses even faster than Saddam Fedayeen | Machine with missing beverage door could hit you with embarrassing crotch-spray |
| Vendomat camaraderie: microwave some popcorn and befriend a fellow coffee drinker at the courthouse, hospital or jail | If in jailhouse setting, avoid misunderstanding with your new Slingblade-like friend; he could give new meaning to the phrase "one lump or two" |
| Under any circumstances, tastes better than the Chinese guy’s coffee on Barney Miller |